Grieving in Faith

This was going to be an episode that stayed in drafts. I didn't have any intentions on posting it. But the Lord had other plans after a spiritual attack took place after recording. Full story on the Redeemed and Rooted Instagram page. 

It is normal to grieve the life you thought you would have. It is normal to express those thoughts and feelings to the Father. But once you have grieved and put those thoughts to rest, you look ahead. You believe the Father for everything He has for YOU. Even when you can not see Him, Jesus said "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" It is easy to believe things for what it is when you see it in the natural. But when you believe for the things you have not seen yet, requires a different kind of Faith. What are you grieving? Sit in it, talk to the Father about it and then lay it to rest.

Transcript

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Hello, my brothers and sisters in Christ. Welcome back to another episode of the Redeemed and Rooted Podcast with your host E. Um, I can't sleep, so I figured I would record and talk about a particular subject that has been on my mind for the last couple of days, and I've just been trying to figure out how to articulate the way I'm feeling without it being misconstrued. Um, so those that get it, get it. Um, those that don't, it's okay. Um, I am grieving in faith. And by that I mean I'm grieving things that I shouldn't grieve because I have the faith in knowing that it's going to happen. Um, and I don't mean certain things like most people know about me. I'm just referring to, for example, growing up, I always thought that I would marry young, which I did, um, and have two or three kids by now at the age of 28. Um, but now life doesn't look like that. Uh, right now, life is single mom working two jobs, going to school full-time. And that's not how I pictured life at 28. And so I'm grieving what life could have been when I was younger, thinking about the future. And of course, at that age, I was thinking about that life without the Lord being included. And so now that the Lord is included, and I've said this before: you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. And I can't tell you guys how many times I've been like, Lord, my biological clock is ticking. I want to have more children, I want to get married again, I want to do this, I want to do that. And it's just like, we are not on the same time as he is, and I have said that before. And I have to accept that, but also I'm grieving just a hundred different things that I don't really have to worry about. I want to have my own house. In this economy, it's not gonna happen. Um, I just I just don't see it happening. Um I want to be super financially stable to the point where I can swipe my card and not have to double check my bank account. But in this economy, it's not happening. Um, I am grieving where I should be in my relationship with the Lord because I've had so many um setbacks. I have backslid so many times, and I continue to beat myself up when I have to remember I'm still human. Um, there are times where I find myself being ungrateful and not on purpose. Um, you know how when you're a kid and you give your parents or your family your Christmas list or your birthday list of all the things that you want for Christmas or you want for your birthday, and that time frame comes and you receive some things or you receive the opposite. And so you're saying, Oh, thank you, but I still wanted this. And it's like, gosh, you know, it sounds so ungrateful. For example, like this past Christmas, I bought my son a bunch of different things, but my son is a really big fan of dinosaurs, and so for Christmas last year, um, he got a new TV for his room and clothes and games, and then maybe two or three dinosaurs. He was super grateful. But then when we got home and we put everything away, he just kind of sat down and had this face, and I'm like, what's wrong? And he says, I really, really liked all my Christmas gifts, but I just really wanted more dinosaurs. And I would say in the past, I would have been offended and like, you're so ungrateful. But I understood because there are times where the Lord will give me something I've prayed for and I've talked about his track record, it always being perfect and him answering my prayers. And there have been times where he's given me exactly what I asked for, but then I think back to something else that has not been an answered prayer. And I'm like, gosh, Lord, I sound so ungrateful acting like this when you've given me almost everything I've prayed for, but I'm still longing for something else. And as I go through this journey, this lifestyle with him, this is a lifestyle. It's not a trend, it's not a phase, it's not a habit you have to kick. Being with the Lord and following him, having an intimate relationship with him, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That is a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle change. You're saying goodbye to the former things and you're following him headfirst all the way in. And so sometimes I find myself feeling and being a bit ungrateful because I'm like, gosh, Erasia, like you're living in an answer to prayer. You're living in something you once prayed for. You have evidence of his perfect track record. You can think back years ago when he was in the midst of everything. So why are we grieving things that you know are to come? And that is where I'm trying to pull myself out because I know that I'm grateful. And he doesn't beat me up about that either. I come to him and I'm like, Lord, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. And there was a time I had to be reminded: if I give you the thing you're praying for right now, are you going to be ready to receive it? And it's like a mirror being put in front of me because no, I'm not ready to receive it. I know that. I know that. I know I'm not ready to receive certain things because I'm still in a pruning process. I'm still being crushed and reformed and refined in all the ways, and sometimes it can be unbearable. I literally was at work last week and my body was just buzzing. It was just buzzing, like my entire body was just vibrating and I was cold. And I thought I was getting sick. I thought I was getting sick. So I went and put a jacket on. I turned down the air, like turned it up some so the house could, like, you know, knock the chill off. However, you want to explain it. I was just trying to get warm and my body was still buzzing. I was still cold. I kept laying down. I'm like, my gosh, like what's going on? And it went on for maybe three or four hours. And then it stopped. And when it stopped, I thought about a few things from my past and questioning why wasn't I enough? And before anyone's mind switches straight to my relationship, I think about friendships that ended. I think about my biological father not choosing to be in my life. I think about all of those things. Like, why wasn't I enough? And so I'm grieving things in the past that I shouldn't be grieving because it's like it was never really there to begin with, or it was just for a season. And I'm questioning, why am I not enough? Why am I not good enough for this? Why am I not good enough for this person? Why am I not good enough for the job? All of these things. And I heard that small voice. Who said you weren't enough? I never said you weren't enough. And I appreciate the times that I am in my head because when the Lord interrupts my thoughts, it's loud, but it's soft. I'm not being chastised, I'm not being scolded, I'm given a soft reminder that I am still a daughter and I have feelings and I'm not perfect. I'm allowed to have the human emotion of why wasn't I enough? I'm allowed to have the human emotion of feeling like I'm grieving things that are going to come to pass. And as I'm navigating that portion of my life, I have faith that everything I've prayed for is going to come to pass. I have faith that everything the Lord has planned for me is going to come to pass. Because the other thing is I'm in a season where I only want to see the Lord win in my life. Everything that he has plotted and written and planned for me specifically, I want to see come to pass. It's not about, oh, I want this car, I want this house, I want this relationship, I want this many kids, I want this, I want that. I want to experience the overwhelming love that he has for me and my family. I want to feel that. I want to see the things he has planned out for me. I want to see all of that come to pass. I want to be obedient in that position. I want to yield every time he calls my name. And I get so worked up because I'm like, gosh, I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I'm failing him in a sense. And then when you think about it, he's the alpha and the omega, the author and the finisher, and he's known us before we were formed in our mother's womb. So he knew everything about me. He knew I was going to backslide. He knew I was going to have these moments. Because at the end of the day, we have the free will to choose him. There is free will, but we're not free of the consequences. And so I literally said out loud, yes, I have free will, but I'm exercising my free will to choose you every day. Even when I know I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, y'all, I could be at work going in about an employee or a situation, and then I catch myself and I'm like, I'm sorry, Lord. Like it's not, it's not on purpose. I get worked up and I have to talk about it. Um, you know, I don't think I've talked about this before, but I have um adult ADHD. People will say it's man-made, it's not real, all of these things. Well, I got something because sometimes I struggle to stay on task. I'm staring at baskets of clothes that need to be folded from two weeks ago. They're clean, they're just not folded. I live in a color-coded system. Uh, I can consume a bunch of caffeine and still go to bed on time. I can do all these things. Like I can, I my superpower is I can take 31 days worth of work and slam it in 48 hours. It is not a trait that is healthy, but I can do it. All of these things. And I remember going to therapy four years ago, talking to my therapist, and she blatantly said, Have you done the ADHD assessment? And I'm like, huh? Like in my household growing up black, no one heard the word ADHD. And I remember going to my PCP, taking the assessment, having a conversation, and being prescribed Adderall, but I never finished the bottle. Um, I remember going through a season where the Lord said, it's different now that you know me. And so there were days where I'm like, Lord, I need you to help me get through this task. And it would get done. And that's not to say that he's still not helping me, but he knew my brain. He created me. He knew exactly where I was going to be at 28. He also made doctors. He also made doctors who invested in this portion of the brain. He and he invested in doctors who could prescribe the medicine. That does not mean the Lord is less than in my life if I decide to take medicine. Am I medicated right now? Absolutely not. Um, it is 11:35 at night and I cannot sleep. Um, I've been up since six o'clock this morning and my mind is racing. And I wanted to talk about these things because I am coming out of a funk of feeling like I'm not enough. I'm coming out of a funk of grieving things that I shouldn't grieve. I'm coming into a season of clarity. I have prayed more than once for provision, additional clarity, wisdom, understanding, all of these things because I am ready to accelerate my time with the Lord. I don't want to rush his process, but I want to accelerate and be in position to where I'm supposed to be, because I have not been where I'm supposed to be. Um, I have fallen off several times, and I will never sit here and pretend to be perfect because the walk is not perfect. There's always going to be something in the way. But having faith and knowing that Jesus is there, knowing the Lord is going to help you, that is where you differ from the world. And so I talked to my pastor, um, and we did this exercise, Beauty for Ashes, and allowing me to let go of a lot of things that I've held on over the last couple of years. And it's really hard when you really want something and you have to surrender it. I don't know if you guys have ever seen that picture where it's a little girl holding, holding a little teddy bear, and Jesus is holding this huge bear behind his back, and the little girl wants to keep this little bear because it's her favorite. He's like, But I have something better. He has this huge bear behind him in this picture. And every time I grieve a certain season of my life, I think about the little bear and giving that little bear up because there's a bigger bear coming. And the picture has gone around and it's been changed from a bear to a bouquet of flowers, and it represents your plans versus his plans. And I am getting to that point where I'm handing things over that I should have handed over years ago, months ago, hours ago, but I'm getting to that point of just handing it over. And so, for example, Isaiah 43, 18 says, Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth. Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, in rivers, in the desert. And when I think about that, I think about if there's a will, there's a way. If there's a will, there's a way, and there is a Lord who makes a way. He is the only person I know that can make something out of nothing. He's the only person I know that can take something so small, faith of a mustard seed, and give you something beyond your measures, give you something beyond your understanding. And I'm coming to peace with that. I'm coming to peace with that. But grieving in faith is like, I don't want y'all to think that it's an ungrateful thing. Sometimes we do tend to think about, gosh, what if I did this this time? It might have been different. That is okay, but don't dwell there. Do not think about the former things as failure because he has something better for you. That's a reminder to you, that's a reminder to myself because I have been beating myself up. There have been times where I've cried and I feel like I failed my son in a sense of how he's being raised and the things that we do. And I realized there's no handbook on parenting. Yes, the Bible gives us instructions, but we also don't know what kind of child we're gonna get when we give birth. My son is literally me in a male form, he's very outspoken the way that I was and still am. Um, he gets sidetracked the way that I do. The only thing I'm grateful for is that he is way more athletic than I am, but he gets frustrated and flustered the way that I do. And so sometimes I'm like, man, I don't know how to help you, my guy. Like, go sit down, take a break. We can talk about it later. And so when it comes to coming out of this season, I want you to know it is okay to think about the things that did not happen because the Lord is still faithful. It's okay to grieve about the life you thought you would have had by now. Trust me. At one point I went to school to be a nurse, then I quit. I went to school to be a teacher, but then I quit. I went to phlebotomy school, I got my license, never worked in a hospital. I have been through the trenches. There's so many people going back to school, and that is okay. I am back in school. Did I ever imagine going back for an actual degree? No, I did not, but I have a desire to receive a degree that is going to help me with my podcast, and so I decided to do just that. I am two months into school, almost two months. No, yeah, I'm in two months worth of school. My little MacBook Air, she is hanging on by a thread, so that's the next thing I'm praying for is a new laptop. I would love a MacBook Neo or an iMac. So that's my next thing that I'm praying for because I can't do it by myself. And I have learned to accept the things that have happened, have not happened. I sat and listened to Jackie Hill Perry, her husband, and her did an episode. I believe it's called When You Don't Desire God. And it wasn't like, oh, I don't want to deal with him. It's more so, how do you desire and want to praise someone that you can't see when he is invisible? All of these things, and I understood that because there was a time where I was like, Lord, I can't see you, I can't see you, um, I I can't hear you. How am I supposed to follow you? And I can't see you. How am I supposed to follow you? And I I don't know what you look like, I don't know what you sound like, all of these things, and it made me think about uh in the book of John, and Jesus says to Thomas, like, Thomas, because you've seen me, you have believed, but blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. And so you think about the disciples, they believed because they saw the miracles, they believed because they saw Jesus, they walked with him, they witness everything. But blessed are those who believe even though they have not seen him. Blessed are those who believe and they have not seen the face of God, they have not seen the face of Jesus. And so I have to rewire my brain. It is okay that I have not seen him. I've seen the evidence of his presence in my life, in my son's life, in my family's life. I have seen the smallest bit of evidence, the biggest piece of evidence. I've seen it all. And so I am putting that grief to rest. Like, you know, when a when a pet dies, and I'm gonna use a pet as an example. You know, when a pet dies and they might have been sick for a long time, you're grieving the loss of that pet. But you also have gratefulness that they're in a better place and they're no longer in pain. You grieve the loss, but you're grateful that they are no longer in pain. They're no longer suffering. So I'm grieving a life I thought I would have. But I'm also no longer suffering because plans outside of God's presence, you're suffering. That is my opinion. When you have plans outside of God's will, when you are doing things outside of his will for your life without his presence, there will be suffering. You start grieving things because you it didn't happen the way you wanted it. Nothing in this life happens the way you want it if you're really in the presence of God. And don't get that mixed up with, I don't even know how to explain it, but what I'm getting at is that I've said it before, the devil gives gifts too. So sometimes people you see living the life that you wanted or desired does not mean God gave it to them. Just because you see relationships that you've desired or the partner is doing for the other partner things that you want your partner to do or things that you want happening in your life does not mean God gave it to them. And even the Lord had to check my heart with that too. Because at one point I was grieving something and he's like, but I didn't give it to him. I didn't approve that. So you have to start walking and believing that the things that you have is because God gave it to you. Because you're walking hand in hand with him, you're following in his footsteps, you're reading your word, you're staying fed, and you're giving yourself a fresh start and you're not beating yourself up about who you were before Christ, what you did not have before Christ. So when you're grieving the life that you had that you no longer have because you are in Christ, you are made new. Don't look back and say, I wish I did this. It's okay to think about, you know, things didn't go the way they planned, but I'm grateful because the Lord is still faithful. That is how you move forward. It didn't happen. Oh well, God is still good. I still have breath in my lungs. I made it on the next wake up list. But don't look back and turn into a pillar of salt because you're just, oh, so sad that you left this life. Be grateful you left that life. Be grateful that you were saved. Be grateful that you are now walking in his presence. Because some people are not. There are so many people that are passing away right now and they probably did not give their life to Christ. And they wish that they did because they thought they had more time. And so sometimes when I'm like grieving, I'm like, dang, but back then you were not with Christ. Now you are. So I'm saying goodbye to those former things. It didn't happen the way I wanted it to. Oh well. Oh well. There are things that are coming that are mine that are promised to me. What God has for you, no man can take away. The things that God has for me, nobody can take away. I won't speak on those things until they are mine. But the things that God has for me, no man can take it away. God giveth, God take away. Only God can take it away from me. So as I go through this pruning process and being refined, I want to encourage you. Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe. Don't look to the former things. Look ahead for what he has for you. Be in great expectation of what he has for you. Have faith in the things he has for you. And if you are outside of his alignment, then you say, God, put me back in alignment with you. Give me provision and clarity to be back in alignment with you and the things that you have for me in my life. And I'm not talking about materialistic things. I'm talking about a real, intimate relationship. Knowing him is better than any gift on earth. Knowing what kind of father you have. Knowing that he is a loving father. He is a father of discipline. He is a father of righteousness. So expect to be corrected. But do it with expectation of knowing he's doing it because he loves you. So after you've thought about the things that didn't happen in your life, so what if you didn't get the job? So what if you're going back to school? So what if you got a divorce? So what if you're a single parent? So what if you didn't get the car? You didn't get the apartment, you were denied. So what? Delayed does not mean denied. The application was denied. It delayed you, but you're not denied from your own place. You're not denied from your own degree. You're not denied from a job. Your name is in rooms that you haven't even walked in yet. When you walk with the Father, everything will fall into place. And although I'm speaking in a mic, I'm speaking to myself as well. I know these things. I know what's easier said than done. But as I'm saying it now, I would rather be right here, boo-hoo crying with the Lord, than out in the world. So take that. Take that with you as you go through today. Be grateful for where you are now. Don't think about things that you did not receive or the life that you had before Christ. That's a life you don't want. That's a fleshly life, a worldly life. Be grateful for where he has positioned you, he's moved you elsewhere. And ask to be repositioned in an alignment with him and walk with him. Walk with him daily. Feed yourself the word daily. I'm putting myself in that same position. I'm I'm literally, if I'm not reading my Bible, I'm playing it in audio version while I work. I need to hear something. I can't just not anymore. It's gotten that serious for me. I don't want to be out of his presence. And I don't want you out of his presence. So anything that you have on your chest, on your heart that you've been hanging on to because you're grieving, the loss of it or the potential loss of it, surrender it now. Give it to him and let him give you something greater. And honestly, his love and his acceptance is greater than any other gift. So do it for that. Like I said, I couldn't sleep, so I felt like we had to talk. Remember, God loves you, I love you, and I'll talk to y'all soon.